screaming inside. shattered to bits

nothing hurts worse than this I'm sure. I feel empty and sick inside when its like this. I know he feels similar. possibly more anger. I'm never sure with him. I dont know how to tell. I'm wrong so often i ddont dare guess. It a terrible way to feel this feeling is. and its hard to fix. how do we fix the feelings of anger frustration and pain. the feeling of inadiquacy and incompetance. when the comfort and cure is also the source.

My heart feels similar to that christmas my heart was broken. i hate to reflect on that passed time. I'd much rather imagine the day i got to have him to myself a year later. something that i thought would never come.

oh you know. same shit. different day.

I'm realizing more and more every day that i can't stand who i am. i see all of these seemingly effortlessly beautful girl who have everything so easily. it makes me wonder how they do it. they dont seem to ever have a weak moment. at least they don't let them ever show. i hope to learn this grace and or trick. i want to change every thing. i just need to figure out where to start.