in my head

i want to give up. i think about it a lot. death often seems comforting. i want to slice my skin. i'm bipolar on how i feel about myself. i hate this. i am too in love. i hate my job. i am scared of having to work my whole life. i want someone to spoil me and treat me like a princess. i had a terrible day. no one takes me seriously. i know people only put up with me. all i wanted was him. i'll only ever be second at best. i'm so pathetic i'll probably never change that fact. i'm tired of lying. i want it to be truth. i have doubt. i hate myself. all i want is to be happy. with him. i cant stop crying. i dont think he cares. im too annoying. if i didnt have him. id seriously consider giving up. im so fucking dramatic i cant stand myself. i wish i couldnt feel.

disgusting

It's almost disgusting how badly you can need a person. like oxygen. you need them to survive. and it beyond painful when you cant have them near you.

I cant stand not having him near. I fought harder than I've ever fought to get him. and waited so long. I hate sharing. Every day I count the hours and minutes until i get to see him. even though most of the time its nothing anyone but me could call special. I dont care so long as I am with him.

It breaks my heart sometimes. the way he can just walk away and be fine. how distracted he can be. how easily I seem to be forgotten. but I dont know. things are often unspoken of so left hazy when it comes to matters of the heart.

I hate that I need him. That my heart breaks because he doesnt seem to need me like I need him. I disgust myself sometimes.

screaming inside. shattered to bits

nothing hurts worse than this I'm sure. I feel empty and sick inside when its like this. I know he feels similar. possibly more anger. I'm never sure with him. I dont know how to tell. I'm wrong so often i ddont dare guess. It a terrible way to feel this feeling is. and its hard to fix. how do we fix the feelings of anger frustration and pain. the feeling of inadiquacy and incompetance. when the comfort and cure is also the source.

My heart feels similar to that christmas my heart was broken. i hate to reflect on that passed time. I'd much rather imagine the day i got to have him to myself a year later. something that i thought would never come.

oh you know. same shit. different day.

I'm realizing more and more every day that i can't stand who i am. i see all of these seemingly effortlessly beautful girl who have everything so easily. it makes me wonder how they do it. they dont seem to ever have a weak moment. at least they don't let them ever show. i hope to learn this grace and or trick. i want to change every thing. i just need to figure out where to start.