Sex

You can't erase the past. You can't change what has happened. You shouldn't regret experiences but sometimes we can regret actions.

I had sex. I had sex when I was young. Too young... if you ask anyone in the community or culture that I grew up with.  my family, some or a lot of my friends, it was wrong.

I was 14. I was in love. It was my first real passionate emotional love. It was scary. It kind of hurt. We were young. We were in love.

It was forbidden. It was something we both wanted. Something we talked about. We were in love.

We were in love. We were 14. We were passionate. We were so young so so very young. We were scared in love we were young we were passionate and we were in love.

I don't regret it.

I still think of him. I still love him.

I do not regret it.

Untitled

You can't erase the past. But you can go a different direction. The people who are still with you don't forget and are still here. So why pretend?

Pain.

I would just like to preface this with the fact that this was written on September the 20th of 2011 it hurt I was angry and young in confused. I post for context. And I don't have any other comment...

Its eating me. My heart. My mind. My body. My soul. I feel sick. I am just supposed to be OK with being left alone. To sleep on a couch. Forgotten while she is in his bed with him. But its ok because its not like that. They are best friends. Like brother and sister. So its ok to throw me to the side. To forget me for the night. [9/20/2011 1:17:59 PM] hey you :) [9/20/2011 1:18:06 PM] Hiya hon [9/20/2011 1:18:20 PM] how are ya? [9/20/2011 1:18:28 PM] not good but good? [9/20/2011 1:18:34 PM] Confused mostly I guess [9/20/2011 1:18:38 PM] confused? [9/20/2011 1:19:12 PM] I had my first encounter with Dev's incredibly inappropriate and difficult relationship w/ his best friend ash [9/20/2011 1:19:43 PM] oh really? [9/20/2011 1:20:43 PM] yeah... [9/20/2011 1:21:20 PM] I'm still angry and confused and idk. basically its come down to it is what it is I either deal w/ it or leave. [9/20/2011 1:21:31 PM] what happened? [9/20/2011 1:21:51 PM] So last night we went to bed pretty early but I could not sleep. and Dev fell asleep first. [9/20/2011 1:22:13 PM] he started snoring and it was keeping me up. so I left to go lay on the couch for a while cuz it usually stops after a bit. [9/20/2011 1:33:02 PM] well I fell asleep and at like... 230 in the morning I hear the garage open, someone come downstairs. turn on the light in the room i'm in stand there for a second then go into the bedroom and slam the door. [9/20/2011 1:33:22 PM] well i figured it was dev and he'd thought I was gone and was now pissed for somereason that i was not w/ him [9/20/2011 1:34:03 PM] so I got up to go into the bedroom and some is in the bed w/ him hystarically crying. I hear dev ask whats wrong and I hear ash start going on about a fight w/ her gf. so i turn around and walk away. [9/20/2011 1:34:16 PM] at this point i'm tired and a little annoyed but w/e. [9/20/2011 1:34:27 PM] after like an hour no one comes out. [9/20/2011 1:34:35 PM] I go in there and they are both asleep. [9/20/2011 1:35:26 PM] I broke down and just started crying. I started packign all of my stuff together and trying to find everything to leave. I walked over adn grabed dev's hand and he kind woke up and looked at me and said hi babe. I turned adn left. [9/20/2011 1:39:06 PM] I headed outside and started gettingn in my car. I was so mad that he had just forgotten me. [9/20/2011 1:39:59 PM] He came out after me and we stood there and argued and fought and he was tired and cold and was not actually listening to anything I had to say. he just wantned to go to bed agai. [9/20/2011 1:40:19 PM] but I kept asking him what did he expect me to do go get into bed w/ them. I told him hell no. [9/20/2011 1:40:32 PM] and he went off about how she's his sister and blah blah blah. [9/20/2011 1:40:47 PM] I was NOT ok w/ this. [9/20/2011 1:41:22 PM] eventually she shows up outside and starts going off on me about how I have on right and dotn know what I'm talkign about and dev told her to stop and go inside. [9/20/2011 1:41:41 PM] then all of a sudden she comes back and says. lets go inside and fix this. you need to understand how this works. [9/20/2011 1:42:02 PM] obviously this does ont make me feel better. [9/20/2011 1:42:39 PM] but we went inside and sat down. Ash procedded to tell me all about how they work adn how its not normal but it was not gonna change and blah blah blah. [9/20/2011 1:43:32 PM] andn every time i tried to say anythign she took it wrong and interupted and tried to make it soudn like I was trying to say she needed to leave andn I was trying to kick her out of his life... Not even close to what I was trying to say. [9/20/2011 1:44:01 PM] yeah how does she not understand it's not ridiculous for you not to want her in bed with your boyfriend [9/20/2011 1:44:44 PM] that's *your* place now - not her place. her place is less physically intimate than that. [9/20/2011 1:49:00 PM] she thought I was trying to say that I thought something more was going on when she was in there I knew that all it was that she was drunk and upset and fine whatever. but the fact that he forgot about me. did not eve wonder why i was not in bed with him THAT is what really made me mad. finding them asleep when I was so upset really just set me off. then her deciding it was her place to come get into my face about it. that was not ok either. [9/20/2011 1:49:19 PM] so now I'm tired. confused. extremely upset and I just dont know what to do. [9/20/2011 1:49:26 PM] Dev wont budge on a damn thing about it [9/20/2011 1:57:05 PM] :-\ does he know you sometimes go out to the couch if he's snoring?.. or was that the first time you'd done that? [9/20/2011 1:57:36 PM] he knows. but even so he did not even come. he even told me he had no idea where I was. [9/20/2011 1:57:42 PM] that he just fell asleep. [9/20/2011 2:00:49 PM] maybe he fell asleep while Ash was yabbering on...heh.. [9/20/2011 2:01:38 PM] pretty sure thats what happened. [9/20/2011 2:03:15 PM] honey when you get comfortable enough with someone being around and not worrying that they're going to ditch you at any moment..sometimes you can get a little, like, at ease I guess? guys don't often *assume* something is wrong and they should check on us girls, especially when half asleep and confused about this sister blabbing hysterically [9/20/2011 2:03:50 PM] i dunno...i don't think it's worth thinking about *leaving* over, but i *do* think you have a right to be upset. cuz now he'll know that matters to you - that he come make sure you're okay [9/20/2011 2:04:48 PM] I know and I do understand. what really got to me was the fact that I basically got attacked by both of them and he kept getting upset and me and fighting w/ me w/ her right there. AND that she got involvd. [9/20/2011 2:05:04 PM] yeah :-\ [9/20/2011 2:05:06 PM] I dont want to leave him. honestly I want to figure out how to deal. i j [9/20/2011 2:05:14 PM] yeah.... [9/20/2011 2:05:31 PM] I just dont know how to make that actually clear to him cuz as far as he understands I wantn him to cut her out. [9/20/2011 2:05:35 PM] and I dont at all. [9/20/2011 2:07:02 PM] I just need to figure out how to get over this and get it outta my head right now. I just feel like screaming and crying and idk. i cant calm dow. [9/20/2011 2:07:06 PM] *down*

To dream...To run...

Last night, I had a dream that he proposed to me. I have been picking every detail out in my head. It was all too vivid. The feelings were so real. Imagine the pain when I woke up and realized that no such thing has happened.
In the dream I was back in a high school setting. Although, I am not sure that I was attending. As I walked or wandered, rather, through the daunting stale halls I was surrounded by people. People I never knew, but have a memory of their faces burned in my mind. Things and feelings were horrifyingly similar to those that I felt once upon a time. Feelings of displacement, feelings of being an outcast, but not feeling as though everyone was superior, but almost like being on an entirely different planet. Thinking back now and reflecting on this feeling, I realize exactly what the feeling was. That I was older. And not only that I was older, but I truly was and am different. There was no way at all that I would ever fit in with most of the people I was surrounded by. It is why I have always been able to be friends and friendly with anyone but it is quite impossible for me to have friend that actually stays or that I actually stay around.
Even stranger, is the complete feeling of calm and peace I felt as I entered that auditorium. The familiar smell of the carpet, paint, sawdust, burning gels and sweat made me inhale deeply and sigh. Feeling as though, I'd found the arms of an old lover or dear friend. I stood there for a moment in the silence of the room just soaking it all in.
Soon, to my near horror, I hear the slam of one of the heavy double doors flying open. THUH-WHACK door number two opens. A sudden flood of voices, overly audible but undiscernable rip me from my 'lover' and soon I'm surrounded and drowning in the mobocracy. Feeling as though I will be consumed. I find myself longing for the security of the booths or the darkness of backstage. Then, amidst the chaos I see Brady, on stage right, a spotlight has appeared on him as the room grows dark. The noise seems to low for a moment then immediately grows so that I feel as though it will tear through my person, leaving me shattered. Yet, I hear his voice. Calling out to me, summoning me closer. Fighting my way through I finally break free and I'm standing just below him. He looks directly into my eyes, seeing, it seems, every thought, every fragment of anything and everything I feel. He then asks me, "Randi, Will you marry me?" I stand there, feeling paralyzed. Unsure of how to process what I am being asked to answer. Its everything that I thought I wanted. My heart would break at the thought that it may never happen, and yet here I am, standing here staring at him with nothing to say. Brady then says something else, probably asking me if I am ok, or wondering what has gotten into me. My reaction is juvenile. I run. I turn around, not caring what or whom gets in my way, and I run. Tears begin to stream down my face although I am not sobbing or making a sound. I do not know what to feel or say or think. So I run.

Happy.

I am happy. Not that you can tell by reading ANYTHING previously posted here.

Its odd and quited disturbing how unhappy we can be, and allow ourselves to be. and for so long! I thank God every day that I am no long that way and will NEVER in my life allow myself to become that person again. and all because of a 'relationship'. Looking back now I am just baffled and appalled. But hindsight is 20/20 and seeing as the time machine has not been invented I am forced to live through my trials and learn later. HOPEFULLY I have learned enough to recognize the lessons during instead of after. also I hope I have gained the wisdom to know when to listen to other people's advice sometimes instead of insistently going on miserably in my flawed ways.

I know now that I can be happy no matter what and I am. Thank You Jesus!!! :)

in my head

i want to give up. i think about it a lot. death often seems comforting. i want to slice my skin. i'm bipolar on how i feel about myself. i hate this. i am too in love. i hate my job. i am scared of having to work my whole life. i want someone to spoil me and treat me like a princess. i had a terrible day. no one takes me seriously. i know people only put up with me. all i wanted was him. i'll only ever be second at best. i'm so pathetic i'll probably never change that fact. i'm tired of lying. i want it to be truth. i have doubt. i hate myself. all i want is to be happy. with him. i cant stop crying. i dont think he cares. im too annoying. if i didnt have him. id seriously consider giving up. im so fucking dramatic i cant stand myself. i wish i couldnt feel.

disgusting

It's almost disgusting how badly you can need a person. like oxygen. you need them to survive. and it beyond painful when you cant have them near you.

I cant stand not having him near. I fought harder than I've ever fought to get him. and waited so long. I hate sharing. Every day I count the hours and minutes until i get to see him. even though most of the time its nothing anyone but me could call special. I dont care so long as I am with him.

It breaks my heart sometimes. the way he can just walk away and be fine. how distracted he can be. how easily I seem to be forgotten. but I dont know. things are often unspoken of so left hazy when it comes to matters of the heart.

I hate that I need him. That my heart breaks because he doesnt seem to need me like I need him. I disgust myself sometimes.