Pain.

I would just like to preface this with the fact that this was written on September the 20th of 2011 it hurt I was angry and young in confused. I post for context. And I don't have any other comment...

Its eating me. My heart. My mind. My body. My soul. I feel sick. I am just supposed to be OK with being left alone. To sleep on a couch. Forgotten while she is in his bed with him. But its ok because its not like that. They are best friends. Like brother and sister. So its ok to throw me to the side. To forget me for the night. [9/20/2011 1:17:59 PM] hey you :) [9/20/2011 1:18:06 PM] Hiya hon [9/20/2011 1:18:20 PM] how are ya? [9/20/2011 1:18:28 PM] not good but good? [9/20/2011 1:18:34 PM] Confused mostly I guess [9/20/2011 1:18:38 PM] confused? [9/20/2011 1:19:12 PM] I had my first encounter with Dev's incredibly inappropriate and difficult relationship w/ his best friend ash [9/20/2011 1:19:43 PM] oh really? [9/20/2011 1:20:43 PM] yeah... [9/20/2011 1:21:20 PM] I'm still angry and confused and idk. basically its come down to it is what it is I either deal w/ it or leave. [9/20/2011 1:21:31 PM] what happened? [9/20/2011 1:21:51 PM] So last night we went to bed pretty early but I could not sleep. and Dev fell asleep first. [9/20/2011 1:22:13 PM] he started snoring and it was keeping me up. so I left to go lay on the couch for a while cuz it usually stops after a bit. [9/20/2011 1:33:02 PM] well I fell asleep and at like... 230 in the morning I hear the garage open, someone come downstairs. turn on the light in the room i'm in stand there for a second then go into the bedroom and slam the door. [9/20/2011 1:33:22 PM] well i figured it was dev and he'd thought I was gone and was now pissed for somereason that i was not w/ him [9/20/2011 1:34:03 PM] so I got up to go into the bedroom and some is in the bed w/ him hystarically crying. I hear dev ask whats wrong and I hear ash start going on about a fight w/ her gf. so i turn around and walk away. [9/20/2011 1:34:16 PM] at this point i'm tired and a little annoyed but w/e. [9/20/2011 1:34:27 PM] after like an hour no one comes out. [9/20/2011 1:34:35 PM] I go in there and they are both asleep. [9/20/2011 1:35:26 PM] I broke down and just started crying. I started packign all of my stuff together and trying to find everything to leave. I walked over adn grabed dev's hand and he kind woke up and looked at me and said hi babe. I turned adn left. [9/20/2011 1:39:06 PM] I headed outside and started gettingn in my car. I was so mad that he had just forgotten me. [9/20/2011 1:39:59 PM] He came out after me and we stood there and argued and fought and he was tired and cold and was not actually listening to anything I had to say. he just wantned to go to bed agai. [9/20/2011 1:40:19 PM] but I kept asking him what did he expect me to do go get into bed w/ them. I told him hell no. [9/20/2011 1:40:32 PM] and he went off about how she's his sister and blah blah blah. [9/20/2011 1:40:47 PM] I was NOT ok w/ this. [9/20/2011 1:41:22 PM] eventually she shows up outside and starts going off on me about how I have on right and dotn know what I'm talkign about and dev told her to stop and go inside. [9/20/2011 1:41:41 PM] then all of a sudden she comes back and says. lets go inside and fix this. you need to understand how this works. [9/20/2011 1:42:02 PM] obviously this does ont make me feel better. [9/20/2011 1:42:39 PM] but we went inside and sat down. Ash procedded to tell me all about how they work adn how its not normal but it was not gonna change and blah blah blah. [9/20/2011 1:43:32 PM] andn every time i tried to say anythign she took it wrong and interupted and tried to make it soudn like I was trying to say she needed to leave andn I was trying to kick her out of his life... Not even close to what I was trying to say. [9/20/2011 1:44:01 PM] yeah how does she not understand it's not ridiculous for you not to want her in bed with your boyfriend [9/20/2011 1:44:44 PM] that's *your* place now - not her place. her place is less physically intimate than that. [9/20/2011 1:49:00 PM] she thought I was trying to say that I thought something more was going on when she was in there I knew that all it was that she was drunk and upset and fine whatever. but the fact that he forgot about me. did not eve wonder why i was not in bed with him THAT is what really made me mad. finding them asleep when I was so upset really just set me off. then her deciding it was her place to come get into my face about it. that was not ok either. [9/20/2011 1:49:19 PM] so now I'm tired. confused. extremely upset and I just dont know what to do. [9/20/2011 1:49:26 PM] Dev wont budge on a damn thing about it [9/20/2011 1:57:05 PM] :-\ does he know you sometimes go out to the couch if he's snoring?.. or was that the first time you'd done that? [9/20/2011 1:57:36 PM] he knows. but even so he did not even come. he even told me he had no idea where I was. [9/20/2011 1:57:42 PM] that he just fell asleep. [9/20/2011 2:00:49 PM] maybe he fell asleep while Ash was yabbering on...heh.. [9/20/2011 2:01:38 PM] pretty sure thats what happened. [9/20/2011 2:03:15 PM] honey when you get comfortable enough with someone being around and not worrying that they're going to ditch you at any moment..sometimes you can get a little, like, at ease I guess? guys don't often *assume* something is wrong and they should check on us girls, especially when half asleep and confused about this sister blabbing hysterically [9/20/2011 2:03:50 PM] i dunno...i don't think it's worth thinking about *leaving* over, but i *do* think you have a right to be upset. cuz now he'll know that matters to you - that he come make sure you're okay [9/20/2011 2:04:48 PM] I know and I do understand. what really got to me was the fact that I basically got attacked by both of them and he kept getting upset and me and fighting w/ me w/ her right there. AND that she got involvd. [9/20/2011 2:05:04 PM] yeah :-\ [9/20/2011 2:05:06 PM] I dont want to leave him. honestly I want to figure out how to deal. i j [9/20/2011 2:05:14 PM] yeah.... [9/20/2011 2:05:31 PM] I just dont know how to make that actually clear to him cuz as far as he understands I wantn him to cut her out. [9/20/2011 2:05:35 PM] and I dont at all. [9/20/2011 2:07:02 PM] I just need to figure out how to get over this and get it outta my head right now. I just feel like screaming and crying and idk. i cant calm dow. [9/20/2011 2:07:06 PM] *down*